Head Bully in an Anxious Mind By Katherine Lightwood

Head Bully in an Anxious Mind

By Katherine Lightwood

Before addressing any issue, I want to start this article by narrating an incident that happened with me a while ago.

Few months ago, I was writing content for my Dark Brain Concept Art while sitting in an empty cabin at my Institute. It was quite late and pretty much everybody went home. I choose to stay because it was the perfect time to process thoughts for that deep concept art. 

While, I was writing I heard someone was saying my name and laughing hysterically in a different cabin. Their conversation was not clear and all I could hear was faint laughing noises. My anxiety crept in and my head started to sweat profusely. I knew what was coming. I thought, like always I was becoming a laughing matter. I couldn't keep myself on the cabin and decided to go home before the situation goes out of hand. Unfortunately, my backpack was on that room from where these sounds were coming. I was freaked out. Putting my guard up high and making my best straight face I entered that room and started packing my bag without looking anywhere. I was packing my bag as fast as I could trying not to give much thought to my peripheral vision. Suddenly, a girl with a silvery voice spoke to me,

"Sir was praising so much about your artworks."  

From my extreme alert mode I immediately switched on to extreme puzzled mode. My mind went all hey wired when I couldn't fit anything into my perspective. 

"What" my mind screamed. But you know, I am very excellent in keeping straight face. So, all I could reply was "OK" as politely as I could to show my deepest gratitude. And when I looked up to see if there was any hint of sarcasm in their face, I found my teacher and a fellow student was faintly smiling at me.

Now, my reason for sharing this incident is to show how much our own perspective could be wrong and how exactly does the mind of an anxious person works.

Our mind is always with us. No matter how much we listen to other's perspective, read books or talk to people. But, at the end of the day only thing does matter that is our own perspective, our thoughts, our dreams and our internal monologue.

May be some of your mind is kind to you, but if you ask me that question my answer will be a big "NO".

I am not just antagonised with my inside, but absolutely under siege from my head. And from that place our self esteem issues, worries and regrets starts.

My head is little more aggressive towards me then normal.

And it's not an passive thing. It's an active aggressive, antagonising war waged on me from inside where I am in the constant grip of anxiety.

FEAR is the initiator of anxiety and depression. Anxious experience is not just a benign thing. 

Like oh! I am just a little afraid or I don't feel like waking up and do my daily stuff. About 30 seconds from your waking up until you go to bed, you are dealing with fear. And it's not an ambient emotion. Thoughts that terrify you is very realistic and usually very personal.

Now, this is what I call a HEAD BULLY. A ghost voice inside your head which speak about anything you perceive. It feels like there is something in your mental landscape that is intentionally trying to generate suffering.

Now, let me ask you a question. 

What happen if you receive a text message, and it's ambiguous and doesn't fit in your agenda. Would you perceive it as positive?

Our head are not like "Guess what Katherine , we are selectively morphing and manipulating what you perceive so that you feel bad about yourself."

But they are rather like " Oh my god! all I am doing is getting an objective read on reality and just reporting it as it is. But unfortunately reality clashes with your happiness and I have to report that."

Well !! I don't know if that is relate able to you, but this is exactly how my mind works and probably every anxious person's mind do the same.

If you ever gets humiliated in the morning .. Is that it?

It literally becomes the breaking news of every hour. Your mind will replay it over and over and you can't side step it. And it is the most heinous way our mind do this to us by letting false measures of achievements. My head do this service by telling me that other people do better job than I am and I suck at everything.

Now, if you know me, you should know that I am a big fan of fantasy digital painting. I literally used to worship the artworks of famous digital artists like WLOP and Dylan Cole. I used to think that they must be so proud of themselves and would be so happy. If I could ever get close to their level I would be in cloud nine. But, now when I am upgrading my skills and getting better at my digital art I don't feel the same way as I thought I would. I constantly look for flaws in my artworks and set an unrealistic expectation. All the time a constant anxiety and fear grips me that I am not good enough and I never will.

And this is what a head bully does. Few bunch of thoughts manipulate your measures of achievements and present it as more negative and twisted version of it's real moniker.

We must be compassionate towards an anxious person rather than saying you should "increase your confidence" or "you too much". Because these thoughts are far far way of our reach to control.

Well! my friends my motive was to educate you a bit about anxiety and depression. And I hope my message is clear to you. 

Till then stay tuned with Creative Devils and our other blog Digital Decatron. You can also follow us on Facebook.

Katherine Lightwood